


I know exactly what I'm feeling

by irrow



Series: She's God and I've found her [8]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Canon-Typical Violence, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Gender or Sex Swap, Ian Gallagher Loves Mickey Milkovich, Internalized Homophobia, Mickey Milkovich Loves Ian Gallagher, Racism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:07:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24677401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irrow/pseuds/irrow
Summary: Ian is at basic camp and Mickey is trying to stay afloat.((or despite the miles between them Mickey Milkovich is still gone on Ian Gallagher ))
Relationships: Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich
Series: She's God and I've found her [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1588273
Comments: 1
Kudos: 42





	I know exactly what I'm feeling

**Author's Note:**

> turns out I'm not done with these gals
> 
> I've had this written for weeks but it felt wrong to post with everything going on in the US right now (especially because there is mention of racism in this fic that isn't at all nuanced), but fanfic is an escape so hopefully you guys can be in this universe for a little while. 
> 
> ((pls keep signing petitions, donating and doing whatever else you can! stay safe))
> 
> ***spoiler/ trigger warning***
> 
> -there is a scene with terry and mickey that contains violence in this fic that might be triggering  
> \- also discussion of racism in regards to an interracial relationship

It’s 3am and still dark when Mandy comes out on the porch, wrapping her arms around Ian and mumbling a half awake “write me a letter bitch”. She squeezes her shoulders one more time and then turns to Mickey, “I’m gonna go back to bed, don’t wake me up”. Mickey flips her off in indifference but in reality she was a little touched, she knew Mandy letting her have Ian to herself for a little longer was the closest to sisterly love they’d get this early in the morning. 

And now this was it; the last goodbye before Ian was gone for months. Fucking army. 

Mickey is on her tiptoes, reaching up and pressing her lips against Ians, her hands cradling her head in the dawn light. They’re at the side of the Milkovich house, the place where Mickey heard Ian tell Mandy she was gay years ago. She hasn’t told Ian that yet; doesn’t need her to know that she was gone on her since before that day. She knows Ian would fucking love the fact that the urge to kiss her freckled nose had struck Mickey since her first trip to the Kash and Grab and had escalated into increasingly obvious shoplifting just so she got to see Ian’s cheeks go pink in frustration. 

Mickey wants to drag Ian inside and lock the door until she misses her bus to basic training altogether. Ian’s tongue is sliding against hers and her big hands are spread against Mickey’s hips pressing her closer and shadowing her from the early morning sun and this shouldn’t have to end. But it does. So Mickey steadies herself and pulls away, takes a breath against Ian’s lips and whispers what she has been saying all along for months; “I can fucking say it if I want to, I love you”. She can hear the way Ian’s breath hitches and feel how her palms grip Mickey’s hips tighter. It could be minutes or hours before she presses a kiss behind Mickey’s ear; “love you, see you soon Mick”. 

Mickey pats Ian’s face and they stare at each other for a few minutes unable and unwilling to break the moment. But it's getting late and Ian has to get to the bus with her pack of Gallaghers in tow in just a few hours, “You better get going Gallagher”. Finally, Ian unclenches her hands from Mickey’s hips, her hand is big and warm on her lower back as she walks Mickey to her front door.

As they are letting out a final goodbye Ian presses a peck to her lips, right in front of the doorway and Mickey’s heart stutters; Ian’s smile is fucking blinding as she walks down the porch steps with a “miss ya Mick”. Mickey hates PDA but desperate times call for desperate measures and she feels safe in the dim street, her heart so fucking warm with the touch of Ian's lips on hers. Ian walks backwards like a fucking dork so she can watch Mickey for as long as possible and all Mickey can do is wave as she thumbs at her lips and tries to suppress her own smile. 

A perfect final goodbye. Mickey is kinda scared about what she would do to make sure she doesn’t have to say goodbye again. 

Mickey feels like she’s fucking floating, braindead and fucking high on adrenaline and Ian Gallagher and the knowledge that this shit they had was for real. But perfect days like this one don’t exist in Mickey’s life without the marring of bitter brutality. Even Ian Gallagher and her bright hair and brighter smile can’t fix the shit she has dealt with since she was a tiny, brooding and dark haired kid. 

She shouldn’t be as shocked as she is then that Terry Milkovich is the face she sees when she opens the door; shirtless, just woken up and clutching a beer in his red angry fist. She doesn’t have time to steady herself and harden her eyes before he is belching out ; “The fuck was that out there? That fucking redhead kiss you?”

A jolt of fear runs through her, paralysing and suddenly the adrenaline racing through her veins is poison, she tries to play it off, laughing “What? Nah it was nothing Pops”

In an instant Mickey is slammed against the front door, Terry's hand around her throat. His hand is crushing but it isn’t as tight as it could be and she can see in his blood shot eyes that it's because he is still high on whatever Iggy is pushing lately. She knows she could fight back, get herself out of this and out the door, but she knows it’ll be worse for her if she resists. So she stays there, arms limp but fists clenched and the air getting harder to grasp in her closing throat. 

“Don’t fucking lie to me. You and Gallagher looked like a couple of fucking dykes, don’t let it happen again. Milkoviches aren’t fucking queer” Terry spits out and Mickey can smell the alcohol and bitter breath as she sees stars floating in the corner of her vision. 

Mickey is reminded how fucking small the southside can be sometimes, that Terry knows exactly who the fuck the Gallagher kids are, has seen Ian around the Milkovich house since Mandy had decided they were best friends and knows where she lives and works. She doubts Terry gives enough of shit to go after her but Mickey is fucking glad Ian isn’t here.

In an instant Mickey is released, gasping in mouthfuls of air and getting to her feet. She is leaning against the door, refusing to hunch in on herself. Terry is unaffected, already walking away to collapse into another drunken sleep on the couch.

Mickey shakes herself off and reaches her room on unsteady feet. Terry’s half awake voice rings out; “Eh! Mickey! better be here when I wake up, we still gotta file these serial numbers off the guns we lifted”

Mickey grunts out her assent, Terry is already sleeping and the monotony of it all is jarring. 

She knows what she will do now, what she's always done. It's a cycle she watched her mum try to shield her from before it all went to shit. It goes like this; examine the bruises, decide if they’re obvious enough for some of her rarely worn concealer to be put to use, swallow the steadily rising bile and forget it ever happened. 

She won’t tell Mandy ,even though she knows that her sister will see through the lie she will come up with later. She’s seen her brothers patch up broken knuckles and black eyes enough times to know to laugh it off like this is some shit to be expected. A rite of passage, a stage of life or whatever other shit those chick- flick movies Mandy watches claim they should be going through as teens instead of this shit. Showing an ounce of sympathy for her siblings would be acknowledging that this shit is fucked up, that it was fucking cancerous and they were vulnerable. So they don’t acknowledge it. Milkovich's aren’t snitches and they sure as shit aren't weak. 

When Mickey was little and her mum was sober she sometimes got hugs and Ukrainian lullabies and warm bowls of Borshch and a feeling of brief safety before Terry would crush it again. But their mum left a long time ago and they keep their hot water on with violence instead of the Gallagher’s family schemes and odd jobs; bound by loyalty that's been drilled into them since they were kids instead of familial love. 

Mickey is pretty fucking sick of acting like this shithole is just how it is. But she won’t cry about it; she’ll pack it away in that neat little box she compartmentalised all of this shit. It is how it is, how it’s always been. No use crying over shit she can’t change. 

She knows she got off easy, its a fucked up thought but Mickey knows if she was a boy and a fag it would be different; she has seen Terry fagbash enough times to know that for sure. But Terry can’t comprehend girls not being into dick; girl on girl porn is just for him to get off on and Mickey has heard enough rants about perfectly good pussy going to waste because girls haven’t been dicked down properly. It’s so incomprehensible to him that Mickey is in love with a girl that she fucking hopes he’ll just forget about this whole thing when he gets a couple of pills and beers deep, maybe he will chalk them up to girls and their overly affectionate bullshit. 

Mickey knows if Terry knew her feelings for Ian she wouldn’t be getting off this fucking lightly, but Terry is more angered at the embarrassment of Mickey acting like a dyke without bringing himself to admit that he knows his own daughter really is one. A flaming fucking homosexual and a Milkovich. A fucking dichotomy to Terry. 

She can’t fall asleep now, not with every nerve ending alight. So she turns the shower on and undresses, her body thrumming. She catches sight of herself in the mirror; examines the pale angry yellow bruises already blooming on the sides other neck from Terry’s sweaty palms and then further down the soft imprint of Ian’s mouth at her collarbone. It’s a stark contrast between the person who is meant to love her unconditionally and the person, despite her best efforts, she has found herself falling in love with. Ian’s marks are tender declarations of her love, her need to stamp herself on Mickey’s body and Mickey’s desire to have her there.

She touches the mark Ian left, finding more on her inner thighs and tracing the fingerprints Ian left imprinted on the side of her hips. She finds the healed bullet wound on her ass from her very first kiss with Ian. She imagines the way Ian’s voice sounds saying “I love you” with each one and she kinda hates herself for it. 

There have been girls before, in some dive gay bars on the northside, in cramped toilet cubicles where she could talk herself into believing that it was the alcohol that made her crave soft hands and curves. But none of those girls had played on her mind post-orgasm, she couldn’t even bring herself to kiss them, they were distant northside chicks and occasionally a fuck or two in juvie. It had all been a means to an end, a desperate attempt to curve her appetite so she could supplement the necessity survival skill of fucking boys. Milkoviches might be alot of things but prudes weren’t one of them and a Milkovich girl who didn’t fuck boys was as unheard of as Iggy not being a fucking dopehead. 

She lets the water wash over her and exhales with the knowledge that Terry couldn’t have heard the whispers between her and Ian; doubts he was even awake from his drug induced nap long enough to see anything but the last kiss Ian planted on her on the porch. Noone knows how they feel but them and Ian is miles away by now and safe. Didn’t think she would be glad Ian was gone. She presses her hand against her collarbone and imagines that Ian can feel it against her mouth. She knows its fucking stupid but she just wants to imagine for a second that none of this shit happened. That Ian’s here with her and that Terry has fucked off somewhere. 

Ian, who makes her want to be touched tenderly instead of with violence. Ian, who makes her crave the butterfly kisses she presses against her cheek and soft morning sex, it makes her want to be vulnerable but that vulnerability has to be kept safe. It's only for Ian and she can dwell on it now behind the locked door of the bathroom but she wont let Terry see it. She made a promise to Ian that she will keep herself safe and if that meant detaching for another few months she would fucking do it. If that means doing Terry’s dirty work and playing the ‘straight’ daughter she would do it. It’s a role she's been playing her whole life. 

She let’s the water run over her again, trying to block out her own treacherous thoughts about a future with Ian. 

....

Ian writes a week later. Mickey can’t bring herself to answer. She reads it until it feels imprinted on her brain and thumbs at her old photo of Ian flipping the camera off until she can feel her in the room. 

…..  
It’s not that easy to do this shit alone, to detach like she's always done. Mickey can feel her dad's eyes on her all week burning holes into the back of her head while she files off serial numbers on the guns. He isn’t convinced and Mickey is fucking scared, she knows that makes her a pussy. 

It culminates at his latest post drug-run party. 

Mandy is doing another shift at the fucking waffle house and Iggy and Colin are already off with some whores; theres nothing but a bunch of her dad's buddies and a fuck tonne of booze. She would be out of the house if she could’ve but it's too late now, her dad is already telling her to get him a beer. 

His eyes are burning into her as one of the sleezy young neonazis tries his luck with her and she knows her Dad is sober enough now to notice if she keeps rejecting people. 

She snorts a couple lines off the bathroom sink and drinks until the rooms blurry. When hisface is a shapeless blur she lets him rut against her and touch her boobs through her top clumsily and tells him to shut the fuck up when he starts moaning her name. He's too drunk to do anything but cum in his underwear on top of her and she has never been more thankful. As soon as he is done she pushes his sweaty body off her and tells him to get the fuck out. 

She looks at Ian’s picture afterwards and feels her stomach lurch, turning on the tap to mask the sound of her retching. 

When she rereads Ian’s letter she hates herself for the way her eyes sting. 

She hates herself even more when Terry squeezes her shoulder in approval over Mandy’s eggs the next morning. Mandy eyes her disapprovingly like Mickey doesn’t already feel fucked up enough about being with someone who isn’t Ian. Her stomach lurches again and she hardens her brow.  
…..

She meets up with Andy Zahgo the next day with her signature “Hey Andy! Wanna bang?”

They never actually bang, did a fair few times when they were kids but not since Mickey realised she could use him as a cover for liking chicks and Andy realised he could use her to pretend he wasn’t in love with a black girl. Andy’s racist prick of a father was even more of a neonazi white-supremacist fucker than Terry; he’d be fucking dead if his dad knew he was dating a black chick. Andy and Connie had been together for two years but he had been smitten on her since the end of middle school. Mickey thought it was fucking embarrassing until he grew balls and asked her out. 

So Andy and Mickey did gay shit like talk about their feelings now instead of banging. Mickey kind of hated it. Except she didn’t. (At all.)

She throws the weed down on his basement coffee table like she has so many times before “here, got some of Iggy’s good shit” 

Andy examines it, smirking “It a special occasion Milky?”

Mickey punches him in the shoulder lightly, “Shut the fuck up and roll the blunts Zahgo” 

They shoot the shit for a while before Andy passes the rolled blunt “Ian gone to the army?”

“Yeah” she inhales “two weeks ago”

Andy sighs sympathetically “How you holding up?” 

“Still breathing” she pauses before she mutters out “let a dude hookup with me last night, kinda feel like shit”

Andy chokes on the smoke “fuck, why’d you do that shit?”

Mickey rubs at her lips, feeling the smoke sette in “Ain’t like I had a choice, Terry saw Ian fucking kiss me” 

Andy nods, getting it in a way not many did “Ahh fuck man, he gonna try shit”

“Fuck knows” she inhales again “Your girl gonna be alright with me being here more often?”

Andy laughs “Connie’s cool man, she knows how it is. Your girl gonna be alright with it?” 

Mickey shrugs “Not gonna explain this shit over fucking letters, she gonna have to be”

Andy takes another puff, “You been writin’ Milky?”

“Fuck no” she thumbs at her lip, pauses and then adds “think I should?”

Andy laughs “You're a chick, shouldn’t you know this shit?”

Mickey flips him off

Andy pats her on the back “If she's writing to you, you should write back. Don’t be a pussy” 

She waves him off “Yeah, yeah”

Mickey looks at Andy again, he looks better than she has seen him in a while, his clothes fitting loosely. People’s weight isn’t usually shit Mickey notices but kinda hard not to notice when ‘fat’ Andy Zahgo isn’t so ‘fat’ anymore. “Hey you drop a couple sizes man?”

“You hitting on me Mickey? Connie might have an issue with that” Andy laughs, jabbing Mickey in the ribs jokingly

“Fuck off douchebag. Seriously though, didn’t swallow a tapeworm did ya?” Mickey jabs back

“Nah, been working double the construction shifts. Started up working for Tony as well” Andy rubs his arm, like even talking about it was making his muscles ache

“That guys a fucing backbreaker, fuck for man?”

Andy smiles, rubbing his brow sheepishly “I’m getting out of here soon”

Mickey turns to him “Fuck you mean?”

“Connie’s going to college in the fall,got a scholarship. Doin' speech pathology” Andy’s beaming, fucking proud. Mickey wonders if she looks like that when she talks about Ian.

“No shit, gonna move out there with her?”

“Yeah, been saving up. Tony’s brother works construction in Indianapolis, got me set up with a job there” Andy looks over at Mickey, sees her raised eyebrows “it's only three hours away Mick, Connie wants you to bring your girl over when we’re settled in”

Mickey dismisses him with a wave of her hand, her cheeks pink. She never knows how to deal with people giving a shit about her, leaves an uncomfortable sweat gathering on the back of her neck and Andy talking about her and Ian as an actual couple makes her feel fucking weird. She hasn’t even told Ian about Andy and Connie, fuck she doesn’t even know they hang out, and now he was talking about fucking double dates. At least she doesn’t give Andy a black eye like she would’ve done before Ian; bitch made her soft. 

She laughed disbelievingly, “Shits getting real, huh.”

“Yeah, we’re both getting sick of sneaking around. Connie’s put up with my shit for long enough. It's time man” 

Mickey ties her hair on top of her head letting it sink in, “Whatta bout your Dad though?” 

“Fuck him” he inhales “he’s got early dementia man, coupla months he won’t even fucking notice I’m gone”

“Ah fuck, think Pops mentioned it, pity that shits not contagious”

Andy laughs “Either way, Connie wants to study her speech shit so I’m gonna be there”

Mickey nods, “Fuck, how’d we end up with the two most ambitious motherfuckers in the southside?”

“Ambitious huh? Your girl got you reading a thesaurus too?”

Mickey laughs, “Shut the fuck up”

Andy wraps his arm around her shoulder, squeezing her small frame and laughing when she shakes him off, “We’re some lucky motherfuckers Milky”

…..

Ian writes twice the next month and now Mickey has three letters that she rereads until they are memorised like the hail Mary that her mum used to mutter in Ukrainian as she slept. 

The letters are not long confessions of her love; it's just day to day stuff that's scattered with mentions of things that remind her of Mickey or reviews of new guns she knows Mickey hasn't shot. It's everything Mickey needs to hear though and when Mickey reads them she feels like noone on the planet could know her like Ian does. She ends each letter with the same ‘I miss you’ scrawled in her looping handwriting, she mails them in the same envelope addressed to Mandy and addresses the pages for Mickey to Mickey’s middle initial ‘A’ every time in case someone were to find it. Mickey’s heart fucking aches at how much she cares for her, how much Ian is trying to protect them both even from miles away. 

She knows Ian doesn’t expect her to write back and the thought that Ian is writing letters with no expectation of a reply is so fucking sweet that she is reminded of the kid with floppy bangs and a million freckles that she first fell for. She loves her. 

….

Mickey is going to kill Lip Gallagher and Ian’s puppy eyes aren’t around to stop her. He’s been following her for the past 20 minutes as she makes her way home from the Kash ‘n Grab. At first she was kinda hoping she could pretend she didn’t notice and he would pussy out of whatever bullshit he was planning on saying to her but now she's tired as fuck after putting up with braindead delinquents at a job she only kept so she could stay the fuck out of the house and stay in Ian’s good books and she’s about to explode.

Eventually she’s had enough, she can’t help but turn around and yell “are you fucking following me?” to Lip 

Lip looks startled and nearly chokes on the cigarette he has resting in his mouth, he recovers quickly- to Mickey’s annoyance- and says “depends, you been stepping out on Ian?” in that infuriating nonchalant way he speaks

Mickey looks around, glad they're in a quiet alley way and not the busy street. She squares her shoulders, “You better shut your mouth now if you ever want it to open again, Phillip”

Lip shakes his head laughing sarcastically “It's only been two fucking months, Jesus Mickey, you know she's gone on you”

Mickey shoots him daggers “You don’t know shit about me”

“Look, I don’t really want to get my head kicked in by your fuchead brothers, so just do me a favour and let her down easy if you don’t wanna be with her” Lip shrugs his shoulders like the shit coming out of his mouth was perfectly reasonable

Mickey feels like fucking smashing his head in right then but she grits her teeth and says, “I’m not gonna do shit, wouldn’t do that to her ok, so just fuck off” 

Lip’s clearly feeling fucking brave because he adds, “Debbie saw you coming out of Andy’s twice this week”

Mickey rubs between her brows, a headache from spending more than 30 seconds with Lip Gallagher already forming, “Fuck, you Gallagher’s have big fucking mouths, look I don’t gotta explain this shit but I don’t want you running your massive mouths to Ian. Andy and I hang out that’s it. It ain’t anything else ok so just keep your nose out of my business”

Lip doesn’t look convinced but he also remembers the pain of a Milkovich beating sharply so he keeps his mouth shut. 

Mickey raises her eyebrow “We good Phillip?”

Lip nods but as Mickey leaves the alley he can’t help but add “Send a fucking letter would ya, she's getting whiny”

Mickey flips him off. Fucking Gallaghers. 

The next day she mails the letter she has drafted in her head for months.

**Author's Note:**

> i figured Mickey could use a friend (and mickey being called milky had to make a comeback) :)  
> sending love to you all
> 
> pls leave comments and kudos below :))


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